Wednesday Wonderings … Oopsie! That did not work, now what?

November 10, 2021

You worked and you thought and you worked some more. By golly, you have a plan. It is a good plan. You are so proud (and relieved). Now, it is time to work the plan. I mean you are so excited and you just know that this is the right plan and the “right way” to do this thing. Granted, it was all in your head of how it would all play out, but still, it worked.

Then reality set in. A few fits and starts at the beginning, but you were still on your way. And then, out of nowhere whoa, the brakes get slammed on … hard. What the hell? Why all this resistance? Why is this not working? Why the melt downs? All of these things are running through your mind. You are replaying what happened. You are confused. This should have worked. I saw it work in my mind. We Are Trying This Again!

You do and the brakes get slammed on again. Hmmm, are you ready to look at what did not work? Are you ready to ask others why this did not work or are you still the Lone Ranger? Are you ready to accept that it might not have been a good plan? If you aren’t, then look up the definition of insanity, you know, the one that states that you keep doing the same things over and over again, in the same way and you expect different results,

This scenario plays over and over again in all of our lives. At work, at home and with loved ones that we are helping. Think back to your own experiences at work when you had the most brilliant idea for a way to handle an issue. I mean it was win-win for everyone. You had everything in place and began implementing the plan. It was okay and there were a few folks that balked, but you were determined to push on. Soon, the plan was not working as you had envisioned and the situation became more unstable and somehow it was not a win-win for everyone. Dang it! What happened? Maybe, you did not have buy-in from the start from the others that were going to be impacted by the plan. Maybe, the plan was not fleshed out enough for consistent implementation? Maybe, you had one or two people that did not like the plan because they were not consulted on something that would impact them? What do you do? Do you scrap the plan and start over? Do you look at what worked well and make adjustments on what did not work well? Do you bulldoze over others objections? Do you seek input from others who will be impacted with the plan?

What a pickle! Can you see how these things happen in caregiving or helping others? I can. I have a plan and I think it is the greatest plan to help all involved. But, I did not even talk to all involved to see what they thought about the plan. I only thought about what I thought would work the best. My own perspectives, my own wants and my own…everything. I did not realize that at the time, I just thought that I knew best. I did not know best. How can I make a plan for others and not include their wants, needs or ideas?

I felt that if I was handling things, then I get to decide everything. That did not work at all. You talk about stress, strife, fighting, anger, even a lack of trust. I only thought that I knew best. I didn’t know jack. I had to realize that we needed to work together to make a plan that would work for all of us. All Of Us! Not just the care receiver, but the care giver, too. It was not easy to realize that I did not have all of the answers. I had the knowledge and I had the contacts, but I did not have my mom or dad’s perspective. Don’t make the same mistakes that I made. It was much easier than I had anticipated. It was so much easier once I knew what they needed and wanted help with. It was so much easier to work around my schedule when I shared my schedule with them. I am all about less stress and more effective ways of doing things. I am a life long learner and I like learn new things. One of the new things that I learned is that it is okay to be a recovering perfectionist. I learned that progress beats perfection every time. So much less stress too. Perfection keeps us stuck. We don’t have time to feel or be stuck.

What if you could provide better care AND get your life back? Sometimes, you can do it on your own and sometimes you will need my services.

When making a plan involve all the people that will be affected by the plan. (There may come a time in a dementia patient that they can no longer participate, but while they can, let them participate.)

1. List the issue

2. List who may be impacted by this issue

3. Does this issue need to be done/handled at a certain time?

4. Who can best handle this issue?

5. If this does not work, what can be tried next?

6. Brainstorm – write everything down (pare down later)

7. Reevaluate and update, if needed

8. Be flexible

9. Come to a consensus or an agreement

10. Implement the plan

The above tips will help to keep you on track. If you are a person that goes to worst case scenarios then you must act as if the worst has happened and make a plan for what you will do, you have to move past the worst-case scenario into what you will do next.

Remember, you only have so much brain energy to use on difficult situations every day. It is about two and a half hours. If it is important enough to make a plan then it is important enough to be at your best when your make the plan. Sleep, eat, and hydrate.

One thing that I want you to realize is that there will be important and urgent things and there will be not important and not urgent things. Don’t let yourself waste your time, efforts and energy on the things that are not important and nor urgent.

Handle only three things at a time, that is all you will be able to handle well anyway.